Why I write

Life Discovered. Life Unfolded.

I write because the words are there waiting to be written.  As my life is unfolding I continue to discover my connection to the wisdom of the universe.  As I become more still and more simple I find these words deep within, spoken in the whispers of the inner space.  I write because the divine compels me to write.  I write in hopes of a more peaceful humanity.  I write out of love for our human experience.

This is my story.  The story of how I came to understand the PIECEs of me and began to integrate them PEACEfully together.  It is through this integration that my better self is emerging.

This is a universal story.  This is the beginning.

TWO then THREE then ONE.

At one time there were TWO of me. Then I found a THIRD.
Now we have become ONE.

the TWO:

mr. bratty baby
Annoying. Needs instant gratification. Whiney. Needy. Self-destructive.
“I want it now.  I don’t want to be uncomfortable.  I don’t have enough.  Everything is hard.  People are mean.  I can’t do it.”

miss do-right

Dominant.  Perfect.  Harsh.  Principled.  Know-it-all.  Always right.
“Pull yourself together and do something!  Suck it up.  That’s not good enough, do better.  Life is work, now get moving.”

When there were TWO it was war.
The push and pull of two opposites.  Two who did not value the other.  Two who could not coexist.  Living was a push and pull of discomfort and dissatisfaction.  miss do-right would push us to exhaustion.  We could never do enough for her.  mr. bratty baby would sabotage all of her good intentions.  She didn’t allow us to have fun, so he had to sneak it behind her back.  He’d always get caught though as she was never far away.  She could be so mean to us when we let her down.  She was usually right though.  She had a very persuasive way.  Her intentions always seemed so righteous.  She couldn’t be argued with…her dominion was set.

We often forgot about fun.  She didn’t have a use for fun.  The only time we could work together was when we were helping someone else.  At least then she knew we were doing something good.  It became the only way we could face the world together and so we stuck with it.  It served to distract us from the war of the TWO.  It wasn’t always the best way to be, but it did allow us to coexist for quite some time…

Except when we were left alone by ourselves.  Then the TWO would erupt.  Neither one was interested in caring for the other, so the war ensued.  Somehow caring for others was a noble employment.  But caring for the memyselfandI…not so worthwhile.  The lack of care led to compulsive behavior.  A lashing of one against the other.  mr. bratty baby became a compulsive over-eater; miss do-right forced exercise and counted points.  They did sometimes try to work together.  They made deals.  Cabbage, carrots: Free, fat free/sugar free ice-cream: just a few points…

I was very aware that I was nuts.
For a time I accepted that I may just be perpetually dissatisfied with life; doomed for discomfort.  I began to journal.  It wasn’t satisfying, but it was something to do other than engage in the compulsives.  I knew that eating wasn’t satisfying, so why not write?  Jogging was brutal.  I still did it, but I noticed that most other people around the reservoir looked miserable.  Did I look miserable too? Am I miserable? Yes.  Why not just walk when I needed to?  I gave it a try.

I’m not sure exactly when she came.  I think she was always there.   We started listening to her.

the Grandmother voice:

validating, understanding, all loving, nurturing, accepting, good.
“Yes, you can be a bit nuts sometimes.  It’s okay, you’re a human.  You can do better and you will, but you don’t have to right now, I love you the way you are and I’m going to stay right here with you.  I know you’ll get better in time, but for now, you are exactly the way you are supposed to be.  Perfection is not the goal, so let’s find something else to focus on.”

Her voice.  So reasonable.  So loving. So helpful.  She led us down the path of peace and sanity.  Now we have become ONE.

TWO then THREE then ONE.



4 responses to “Why I write

  1. Searching, finding . . . sounds like the God I know; the one your Grandmother knew, too. I love you Colleen! Pam, Patsy's mother.

    I will continue to check you site occasionally. Pam.

  2. Colleen –

    This is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate to so much of it. It was just what I needed to read this morning. Hope you’re well. xoxo


  3. Tama-Lisa

    That was lovely, thank you for sharing. This is Louise’s friend, I met you at the family reunion in Seattle.

    • askcolleen

      Hi Tama!!! Of course I remember you. Thanks for reading… glad you thought it was lovely. That means a lot to me. 🙂 -Colleen

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