TWO then THREE then ONE.

At one time there were TWO of me. Then I found a THIRD. 
Now we have become ONE.


the TWO:

mr. bratty baby
    Annoying. Needs instant gratification. Whiney. Needy. Self-destructive.
“I want it now.  I don’t want to be uncomfortable.  I don’t have enough.  Everything is hard.  People are mean.  I can’t do it.”

miss do-right
 
   Dominant.  Perfect.  Harsh.  Principled.  Know-it-all.  Always right.
“Pull yourself together and do something!  Suck it up.  That’s not good enough, do better.  Life is work, now get moving.”


When there were TWO it was war. 
The push and pull of two opposites.  Two who did not value the other.  Two who could not coexist.  Living was a push and pull of discomfort and dissatisfaction.  miss do-right would push us to exhaution.  We could never do enough for her.  mr. bratty baby would sabotage all of her good intentions.  She didn’t allow us to have fun, so he had to sneak it behind her back.  He’d always get caught though as she was never far away.  She could be so mean to us when we let her down.  She was usually right though.  She had a very persuasive way.  Her intentions always seemed so righteous.  She couldn’t be argued with…her dominion was set.

We often forgot about fun.  She didn’t have a use for fun.  The only time we could work together was when we were helping someone else.  At least then she knew we were doing something good.  It became the only way we could face the world together and so we stuck with it.  It served to distract us from the war of the TWO.  It wasn’t always the best way to be, but it did allow us to coexist for quite some time… 

Except when we were left alone by ourselves.  Then the TWO would erupt.  Neither one was interested in caring for the other, so the war ensued.  Somehow caring for others was a noble employment.  But caring for the memyselfandI…not so worthwhile.  The lack of care led to compulsive behavior.  A lashing of one against the other.  mr. bratty baby became a compulsive overeater; miss do-right forced exercise and counted points.  They did sometimes try to work together.  They made deals.  Cabbage, carrots: Free, fat free/sugar free icecream: just a few points…


I was very aware that I was nuts.
  For a time I accepted that I may just be perpetually dissatisfied with life; doomed for discomfort.  I began to journal.  It wasn’t satisfying, but it was something to do other than engage in the compulsives.  I knew that eating wasn’t satisfying, so why not write?  Jogging was brutal.  I still did it, but I noticed that most other people around the reservoir looked miserable.  Did I look miserable too? Am I miserable? Yes.  Why not just walk when I needed to?  I gave it a try. 

I’m not sure exactly when she came.  I think she was always there.   We started listening to her.

THREE:
the Grandmother voice:

    validating, understanding, all loving, nurturing, accepting, good.
“Yes, you can be a bit nuts sometimes.  It’s okay, you’re a human.  You can do better and you will, but you don’t have to right now, I love you the way you are and I’m going to stay right here with you.  I know you’ll get better in time, but for now, you are exactly the way you are supposed to be.  Perfection is not the goal, so let’s find something else to focus on.”

Her voice.  So reasonable.  So loving. So helpful.  She led us down the path of peace and sanity.  Now we have become ONE.


TWO then THREE then ONE.

Love,
Colleen

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Self Discovery

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s